i think i need to get away. go...somewhere. breathe. leave my computer behind. just...exist. maybe read some books.

can't afford to go anywhere though.
sucks to that.

I miss the days of not having a third person is my space, mentally and physically. Even when they're not here, my brain is constantly "when will they be back...what should I do when they are? why can I never be home first and get call on housespace?" And its really tough because they are both my friends, but half the time I hate them for making me uncomfortable, and I don't feel that its FAIR that I should be made to feel so uncomfortable in the space I pay to live in.
Thats a big sore spot right now. But part of the problem is me. I'm afraid of stirring the pot. I know that a lot of the time if I ask Josh if I could play video games he'd let me...he turns the tv down or off when I ask, and I know that neither of them mind when I come out and sit with them for a bit...I just really dislike TV, and I especially dislike their choice in programming, so I don't do that too often. Oddly enough, when its just Josh out there, I'm not afraid to ask, but its Lina that makes me nervous, probably because she owns the apartment and we don't have a formal contract. I'm afraid if I piss her off, she'll kick me out no notice. So, while I'm not happy with the situation I'm afraid to say anything. Amy at least had a landlord that she could get to say something about how much time lina was spending at their place without paying....honestly, I feel like I'm paying a heck of a lot for not getting full comfortable use of the living space, but...
At the same time, the times I catch her without Josh (and even sometimes with), Lina is more like the old roommate she was before she gained the boyfriend. So I especially don't wanna stir the pot and screw up the one bright spot currently in my home life...

Also, Tron wants to have a tea party club and throw a tea party a month...he doesn't have a house for hosting, and I have the book with the recipes and he doesn't bake.....So, what is he doing for these tea parties he wants? I would have appreciated some help towards maybe some of the buying of the ingredients or something...an offer of help getting set up when he arrived? Amy did the vodka (with the nice vodka), and the sour cream as well as bringing lemon and orange for the tea, lina tidied the appartment and helped me clean up and display the food...
guh. mmm..I should have some cake for brekkie...

I want out...of everything. i want to get away for a bit. just...go. away somewhere. out of the city, away from everything driving me slowly insane. sadly, I can't afford doing that. So I'm stuck here, stagnating and growing more bitter every day.
lookatmeI'magrapefruiit! :(

I've never been a HUGE video game person, but they're the only thing keeping me happy right now...and I can't even play them half the time right now because I can't get the tv. :P

I need someplace to be that isn't here. I don't even need to be talking social, I jsut need to be out of this house, hanging with anyone...watching a movie or two or something. If it weren't for the fact that lina and josh are always here, I'd even be happy doing it here...but they'd be here too....
odd, eh? I miss time with lina, so I'll do anything to avoid having to spend time with her? lol

thats something I really miss about langley...when I lived there and got in this mood, I'd just put on my headphones and go down to the floodplain, sometimes with a book, and just sit there. its always dark by the time I get home, and I'm still not comfortable enough to hang out in our park here in the dark....

guh. to sleep.

location: bed mood: discontent music: Tea Party - Fire in the Head

Welcome to a new holiday season. So far...I just can't get into it. I mean, I'm excited, but...I'm lonely. Been a long time since I've actually felt lonely. You know the saying "I'm not lonely, I'm just alone", or however it goes? There is a difference between the two, and until this year, I really was just alone. I just feel so much like I'm just a spare friend these days.
I mean, Lina is inseperable from Josh; I miss her so much. I mean she's around, but she's not the same person she is when she's single. I don't LIKE couple-Lina much...I never have. I miss being able to interrupt her without FEELING like I'm interrupting. I miss her reading al most as much fanfiction as I do. I miss her playing Halo with me. I miss nights with both of us at home...JUST the two of us...and no tv on (I really miss that. I really am not fond of tv, and especially dislike the shows that they choose to watch. and its right on the other side of my wall, so if they're watching it - which is constant if they're here - I hear it in my room). I miss her not having to go for a smoke every half an hour...when she could just smoke twice a day on her drives to and from work. I mean, she's still cool, and we have our laughs, but... *shrug* a lot of the time I just feel like she'd rather I wasn't around.
Amy at least is able to be separate from her boy(s?), and is less obnixiously couple-ish when she isn't separate, but she still has plans more often than not to be out with with someone...Which I don't want to get in the way of.
So, I'm stuck in my bedroom, feeling very fifth wheel, and very alone. And feeling alone as opposed to merely being alone, means you're lonely. Which is a crappy feeling at the holidays.
Its at the point lately that when my mum suggests to be that I move back in with her...back in Langley... its almost tempts me. I keep saying no, because I really don't want to be back in Langley living with Mum and Leelu, but...its gotta be better than feeling so un-needed, un-wanted, and lonely out here.

I also wish I had a journal that ...mostly Lina... didn't know about but my other friends read that I could post this on, because I want SOMEONE to know how I'm feeling without having to pick someone to unload on.

on the brighter side, we're going skating tomorrow. That should be fun. ^-^

location: my room...only place I feel welcome these days. mood: depressed music: The Best Things - Filter tags: angsting, blues, dumbass, whining

I miss my best friend.

strange feeling when she lives with you, huh?

If I could ever see her without the unremovable growth that is her boyfriend, the world would be good again.

location: bed mood: give'r back! music: Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For

So, Lina is a bitch anytime Amy asks when Lina is gonna spend more time at our place. Lina's grounds for being allowed to be a bitch over that? 'its Josh's place as well, and he invites me'.
I would love to have known the response to if we'd tried that excuse last winter, when Lina said to having Brett and Amy over for the ONE NIGHT OF THE WEEKEND that they spent over (every weekend)almost all last winter for a couple weeks because "she need some time without them in the house. She was feeling crowded, and hadn't had any time alone (i don't count) in so long because of them". How the hell does she think Amy feels now? Since Lina isn't over just one night and half a day on the weekend, but in fact only spends maybe one night a week AT HOME? And Lina thinks that she has the right to bitch if Amy asks when she's going home?

I'll admit that sometimes Amy is out of bounds with her whining on things, and can be a hypocrite herself, and I get annoyed by her almost as much as by Lina (up until recently...Lina is winning the day by far lately...in the girls category. I can't even stand Josh in company lately, so he's definitely top of my annoyance list overall), but I will stand on her side in the matter of most things LinaJosh related. They're both a little self-centred alone, and together as a couple they are the most selfish, self-centred, and self-righteous pair of people I have ever had the displeasure of having to spend time with. I repeat what I said in my last entry, I support Amy in her attempts to get them out of her house, but shit it means I have to deal with them.

mood: frustrated music: Come Together - the neighbours playing Beatles Rock Band

"Josh doesn't stay over here at night because he doesn't have a car."
"we're right next to transit"
"he's not taking the bus."
"why not?"
"he'd have to get up earlier, and he can't even make it on time from where he is"

...I could not quite bring myself to say it out loud, but my response is my msn status...

"I fail to see why Josh's inability to be responsible and wake up in the morning is EVERYONES problem, but I guess its an excuse."

its all I could fit. because I wanted to add "not a GOOD one, but its an excuse".

He's 27, nearly 28, years old. O. M. G. grow up, use an alarm clock.Use five. Go to bed before 1am if that still doesn't work. geez.

ah well.
his mum is going away again in a couple days, so he has the use of her car again (his doesn't work right now or something...), and supposedly he will be coming over here more often once that is the case. Yes, I'll get to see Lina more again, and Amy will actually get to have time without Lina at her house...but it means I'll have to deal with Josh and Lina in my space after having the whole place to myself for so long.
Gonna hafta relearn that its NOT REALLY just MY apartment. damnit. ^-^
plus, I really dislike spending time with them as a couple. Especially without someone else to buffer me.

location: bed mood: bitchy music: 2xComputer Hum.

so, She spends 5 days in Langley because her Grandma's dog needs watching. Yeah, I know I'm here, but what about HER dog? What about Cleo? Lia comes home yesterday and goes over to Josh's. She's going over tonight. The deal is supposed to be I walk the dog, she feeds her. Well, if she's never home to feed her?
I walk her, I feed her, I spend time with her, I discipline her (or Josh does if we're over at their place...he shouldn't be, but try getting lina to tell him that...)...Lina pays her vet bills.
yay. I have a dog.
I also have an apartment! Since Lina's never here either. ^-^

I'm so fucking lonely. But at least I have Cleo. Even if I'm over with them, I'm lonely. Cuz who likes being the third wheel? watching them sap it up is f*ing depressing when you've been single as long as I have.

ugh.

life seriously sucks right now.

mood: lonely music: Boyzone - Words

Jesus Christ! Wtf is her issue now? I know its not just the watermelon, but I cannot think of what she's getting all bitchy at me about now.
Maybe its cuz she and her BOYFRIEND (no matter what they say thats what he is) haven't had a chance to fuck for the last few days? Or, hopefully, her period has come?
At any rate, she needs to quit bitching.

location: living room mood: annoyed music: Know Your Enemy - Green Day

How dare she ruin my perfectly good whining by fixing everything! She left SOME space for my stuff, and as it became clear that my manga wouldn't fit where she'd left it space...SHE CLEARED THE SPACE!
the fiend.
<3
she's awesome that way, I suppose.


This unemployed thing is getting to me. I have had nothing to do for 3 days now. And of course, after not spending any time at home for over a month, we've spent every evening here.
I suppose that I SHOULD get myself out to the bank. I really need to get a new bank card...

I am going insane here. O_O

mood: restless music: Roxette - Joyride

so, it turned from real books in the rooms, all of both of our manga in the living room, to...All of Lina's books in the living room, mine strewn on random shelves about the house, but mostly crammed in the tiny space that is in my room.

*shrug* meh, its her house, and its a good part of why I've put off unpacking. I figured she'd do something like this despite saying that my books would be out in the living room as well.
and she wonders why I can't unpack my boxes of shit...cuz she won't give me anywhere to unpack them too!
Here, at least, I give her a bit of forgiveness...I'm renting from her. But it was the same at the last place, when we had equal rent. It was still very much an "I'm living in LINA'S place" feeling, because she's very controlling of the space.

...Now she's bringing out the books that she did have on the shelf in her room and putting them out here.
...I guess all mine are going into the tiny space that is my room.
I wish she'd told me she was going to do this before telling me I was safe to unpack my real books onto my bookshelf because my manga was going out here.

mood: disappointed tags: whining

s'kinda frustrating. You get drunk...TOO drunk.....you act in a way outside of your normal actions,and you are half-aware of what you are doing, but not enough to stop yourself from making a fool of yourself.
And in a way you are glad...You don't regret everything you did. There was at least one action that Sober!you totally approves of, and would like to do again. There was actions that sober!you is kinda jealous that they missed out on and are upset that they can't remember. However, you do regret the state of mind and action that brought about these events.
and you DO NOT like your friends, at least one of whom is aware of how awkward you feel about the night, constantly throwing your actions in your face. they mean it in fun, but you can't help but get more embarrassed with each comment, until you feel like you want to erase the whole night...even the parts you enjoyed.

Its now 2009. wow. I don't use this journal at all. lol. I'm not a big journal writer, I guess. though, i have been kinda using my one at roosterteeth... *shrug*

and, just because...In regards to my last entry....My friend broke up with that fiance in early 2007, and has been engaged twice again since then. she has not yet managed to get married. and she's still a wackjob.


blah.

mood: blah

okay...A)who the hell does a day by day countdown to their wedding from June 2006 until Aug 2008? (we're at690 now *rolls eyes*) B) Who the hell buys a dress in July of 2006 for a wedding not taking place until August 2008? C)its September 2006, and your running out of time to pick where you're holding your Aug 2008 wedding?
I mean, yes, obviously you need to book in advance, that makes sense, but...running out time? 2 years ahead? what???? I mean, my other friend JUST booked for hers for August of NEXT YEAR...but yet apparently this is running out of time for august 2008....
I am so very confused! I think this particular friend of mine is a complete and utter nut-case. I also think weddings are confusing, and I am quite glad I am not planning on even being CLOSE to having one anytime soon.
but, really. quit the countdown. its driving me buggy....

mood: blah

I really REALLY didn't mind that he hadn't called! If I'd WANTED him to call, I'd have given him my number! It wasn't just the fact that I was drunk that he didn't get it. I mean, he's nice and all, but I am NOT interested. The party was fun. The drive home was fun. The sex in his car was fun. But, I was QUITE happy to not talk to him again. But now he's hunted down my phone number, called me, and -oh joy- is moving to town! -_- He's interested in getting together, for hanging out and :more:, and I wouldn't mind hanging out maybe, but I don't WANT more...I don't want ANY type of non-friend relationship right now. Haven't been interested in one for some time.

And even if he'd held the slightly bit of interest to me, this killed it: He has three questions he asks anyone he feels he might want to get Close to. 1)are you bisexual? 2)Do you shave? 3)What kind of underwear do you wear?



....sorry, NO.

location: home mood: aggravated music: the Animals - House of the Rising Sun

So, here I am, cluttering up the internet with yet ANOTHER journal I won't use. I think I just like joining things. I've resisted livejournal for many years now, but I finally fell...stupid journals, dragging me down.

But, all my years of so adamantly being against the using of livejournal (no reason, just weirdness of me), it means my friends shall not expect me to have one! *cackles evilly* So, I could rant about them in here all I want. And random other things. yeah.

mood: glowy....